I Want to Go Home
My older brother had become a college student this Spring, borrowed a small apartment in a distant prefecture, and started living alone. So when he came back home, I was looking forward to hear his stories.
My younger brother who just started club activities as a junior high school student always went home late night so we were planning to hang out more on holidays.
Speaking and catching up after separated for a long time is actually quite fun.
My older brother just came back home for the first time in five months. My younger brother’s club activity was having a day off.
I was thinking about what to talk about, what will I listen to, and so many things as everyone in the family gathered after a long time.
It will be fun.
It was supposed to be a fun day.
I had such a happy dream
When I woke up, everything around me was pitch black. I could only see the shadow inside the the room because a pale light was slightly inserted from the door.
Even the outside was quiet.
My memories after I went from the Tenshi’s throne were quite blurry, but I remembered waking up in this room and chased away a maid. My head was still dull and painful.
I don’t know what time it is because there were no clock, but it was probably midnight.
Although I’m still angry, I felt ashamed of myself because I did something like a kindergartner.
I remembered when my parents got angry every time I threw a tantrum.
It was about 10 years ago.
My mother… When I cried until tired and felt asleep… When I woke up in the middle of the night, my mother always sat on the sofa in the living room with rice prepared on the table. Once you sleep and settle your emotions, calmed yourself down, it’s not too difficult to apologize.
My mother… Mama… She would nod without saying anything, warmed up the rice, and helped me reach the table.
My desire to come home suddenly lit in my heart.
The hard bed. The rough pillows and bed sheets. If I want to take a bath, I need to prepare it. Tomorrow should be holiday, so I can’t go back to school. I couldn’t speak to my friends, and there were classes that I was looking forward to.
The most painful thing is, there’s no one here that can share the pain with you.
I’m all by myself right now.
When I was thinking quietly about it, I felt sad again. My trains of thought were running to a negative direction.
What’s going on with the real world?
Since I’m gone suddenly, what was my family doing?
If I can’t return after a long time, a decade, 2 decades, will my family and friends feel sad about me?
Will I forget them little by little?
I wonder if I can ever see my families again.
Homesick and depressed because thinking about my original world, I greeted my second morning in the other world. I was at my lowest mood and my consciousness is blurry. I felt hungry but I didn’t feel like eating anyway.
Mama would have prepared a breakfast by now. I was planning to eat properly on holiday morning, even when she always made weekday breakfast. If mama remembered my request, today’s breakfast was supposed to be French Toast.
I was thinking that I might never eat French Toast again and the mood was further darken.
How can I go home? I don’t know whether I can return home or not.
If I endured, it might be good if I asked that damn jiji on the spot. But then I will have to go to that room again. Because I don’t want to meet with Tenshi, there’s no point in thinking about that.
Because I couldn’t talk to anyone, my best course of action was to talk with Tenshi, but talking to him made me feel bad and he kept remembering me that my efforts were pointless. In the end there was no one in this world who I can talk to. Besides, I also remembered about that woman who I was fighting, my heart was still in a mess.
However, that person’s selfish/self-importance words, I understand them the most now that I’m in the middle of this crisis.
The people of this world always told me:
- It’s wonderful to serve Tenshi
- The state is supreme
- Choose the Scarlet World
But I don’t care about Scarlet World. Why? Because I don’t want to.
From the maid from the first day:
- There’s a need to maintain peace in the Scarlet World
- Tenshi needs the Guardian of Scarlet Dawn
- The Guardian of Scarlet Dawn will have to sacrifice himself and protect Tenshi
I think I understood that well…
The world where you live is important, that’s why you won’t mind if someone is used as a sacrifice. (Note: not the literal sacrifice, something like scapegoat)
Even if it’s a human from other dimension, nobody cares about his/her life or dreams.
………. I can understand. I think I can understand them.
However, it’s absolutely unlikely that someone will sacrifice himself to save some random world. Especially when that person have families and friends, who was born grown up together, to save strangers in another world.
Because this Scarlet World is a world that has nothing to do with my previous life.
That means, using me in the Scarlet World is a loss for my original world. For my papa and mama who raised me, it’s an even greater loss.
I can’t forgive myself if I do that.
Well then, I had to think about what I should do.
There’s no need to help anyone here.
I came out from the thick blanket like a caterpillar and stepped out of the bed quietly. Then I went to the brightest side of the room and opened the doors.
“It’s important to feel the sunshine when you are depressed.”
While gazing at the sun, I remembered papa told me about it before.
The bright sun makes me feel strange when I feel down. I sat down on the floor
…… Because the role as Tenshi’s escort is rather important, getting angry without reservation at them will net me the answer [not way]. Although there might be a way to return me home, I thought that it ended without meaning based on Tenshi’s attitude yesterday.
Instead, in the future I will be marked with more people watching me, so it was a failure.
It seems that it wasn’t very healthy to get angry without pause. I think I learned something, but my head was still hurting.
There’s a story when blood vessels break, the blood flowing to the head will be pressed and will not able to return, it will stuck there and became fluffy. I thought that didn’t happened yet.
When I heard a clicking sound in the head, I thought that it was probably muscle fiber that was cut, not blood vessels. I thought that’s okay but I need to be more careful with my body.
….. No one will take care of my body here, like papa and mama. I need to manage my own condition.
I calmed myself, so I think I can think properly now. When I encountered problems, I remembered what my older brother said when he left home.
My brother said that I need to make the problem simple.
My problem right now is that I was in another world. There are many other things, but I think that every other problem occurred because I was in another world.
It’s easy to set a solution for it: return to original world.
This is the only solution.
Then, the next question is How.
I need to make myself appear as useless as possible. I was hoping to find someone who sympathize at me but it ended in defeat. Especially after being stabbed by that woman.
Then, I won’t depend on anyone. I will return to original world by myself.
How will I go home by myself? Maybe the idea is a bit sketchy, but it’s okay. Since I have a goal, I will think about the procedures later.
Unn… Now my head was a bit dizzy. I never thought I would meet this problem. A big problem that was never happened in our usual modern life.
I want a paper and a pen.
I want to write a chart and organize what I should do.
Big brother, I’m sorry. Even after I was taught, even though your problem solving method seems to fly out from my head, your sister will decide to start solving her short-term problem first.
Now, I have to procure some writing tools.