Ways to Recompense You
The classes were over, and everyone gradually left the classroom. Violette always hated the end of a school day, the moment that required her to return back home.
She had to return to that house, and that fact weighed heavier on her shoulders than anything.
That was why she was very, very happy that Yulan invited her to go out. Actually, she was really looking forward to it. Although her excitement shouldn’t have been lost, it was driven to the depths of her heart, down to where nobody could have spotted it.
Negative emotions filled her heart. She was used to giving up, but she was not good at pushing down and enduring her feelings. That was the reason why she rampaged and hurt Maryjun with her gushing emotions in her previous life.
Where should she cast her emotions aside to?
Would this feeling that she couldn’t vent to anyone become less and disappear?
Even so, the negative emotions still occupied Violette, to the point that she almost forgot about her anticipation. Someday, she probably wouldn’t be able to anticipate anything anymore. Even if she just wanted it all to disappear right away and conveniently forget everything.
Her emotions swirled around, stirring in her head. The nausea coiled around in her throat.
Violette didn’t want to show Yulan this part of herself. She didn’t want to expose this weak form to him. She didn’t want him to worry, she wanted him to laugh.
He was looking forward to it, he should enjoy it, and he should be happy. Violette didn’t want to show him her depressed expression and make him misunderstand even if just by mistake.
The order that she directed to herself sounded very miserable. She told herself over and over again to change herself, and forcibly pushed back her dark swirling emotions to the depths of her heart.
If she couldn’t ward it off, she just had to swallow it.
While feeling her excitement for today slowly falling apart, she pretended not to notice it.
“Vio-chan! Sorry for the wait!”
“Please calm down.”
With the sound of footsteps matching his body size, Yulan rushed to the classroom, full of vigour. Violette knew that he was running from the sound of his footsteps, but he was sweating on his forehead, even if he was just running indoors. The school area was certainly large, but how desperately did he run?
Her expectations that she had stuffed together and buried yesterday started to come out here.
Violette turned her eyes away to avoid revealing her painful emotions , and pretended that everything was fine. If they gushed out one more time, she wouldn’t be able to suppress them again. They were too heavy to carry, but too resilient to throw away.
Pretended not to look. Pretended not to know. Since if she sacrificed the small and important happiness, she could finally give up.
“But I didn’t want to make you wait… I was looking forward to this.”
“There’s no problem if I just wait. If you’re hurt because you are hurrying up, that’s a lot more problematic.”
“…Yeah, I will be more careful next time!”
Was it because of the reflection of his sweat that his smile seemed to shine? Violette stretched her hand to Yulan’s hair, messy because he was running, while looking in a daze at that smile, and he smiled happily while she slowly combed his hair.
Looking at his expression, a new seed rolled out from somewhere. It resembled something that she casted away, shaping into a beautiful color and taking root on her heart.
The unprepared feelings were scattered everywhere. Even if her normal presence of mind were just a pretense, it was like she could think that she was alright.
If she had Yulan, her fun would surely sprout anew.
Violette and Yulan went from the school to the entrance of the city by Yulan’s cart. It seemed like they would return back here again when they were going home later so that he could send her back to the Vahan family.
Shopping street with many shops… their appearance was a little bit exaggerated, but it should be appropriate for school students like them to stop by. There were not too many people walking here, but it didn’t make the atmosphere lonely, as the street was lined with refined buildings.
When Violette glanced through the glass to the shop interior, the dressed up customers looked like they were mostly adults. She wondered whether their school uniforms were out of place, but the disposition of the school and the atmosphere of the city blended well, and they didn’t attract any particular attention.
“What should we do… Vio-chan, where do you want to go?”
“Today is my apology to Yulan, not to me.”
“Uh huh, that’s why, where does Vio-chan want to go?”
“Please listen to me properly.”
Yulan who was walking next to Violette had a lively voice. The voice was telling her that he was laughing and having fun, even without needing to look up to him.
However, they were just walking around without entering any particular store. Yulan prioritized wherever Violette wanted to go, so even though this should be her apologizing to him, he didn’t voice out his wishes.
What Violette heard was how that shop was good, how there were cute goods there, and how the chocolate at that shop was delicious. The shops that came out from Yulan’s mouth were all those that Violette preferred, not him.
(Now that I think of it… I don’t know anything.)
Yulan sensed Violette’s heart like it was natural, and yet she knew so little about him.
His likes and dislikes were only a few, but he couldn’t eat sweets. He was calm and gentle, but had a habit of taking a step back from others and watching the whole thing from there.
Yulan was a cute little brother who wanted to be with Violette.
What Violette knew was only that much. He was always nearby, and their relationship was at the point where she could sense what he felt, a little more than strangers. She let him stay near her, and he also let her do the same.
Even so, it was not enough for Yulan who was deliberately taking her into consideration
He had always been gentle until now, even today, and surely also in the future. He was the first person to give Violette kindness to her world.
And yet, didn’t she just accept what she received and not returning anything back to him?
“… Vio-chan, what happened?”
Contrary to her running thoughts, her walking pace was slowing down. Violette noticed that she was looking down to the ground when she heard Yulan’s voice at the top of her head.
“Are you tired… Let’s take a rest somewhere, okay?”
Violette could tell that he was worried just by his voice. If she looked up now, he would surely have a painful expression with his eyebrows down.
Look. Even now, Yulan noticed the slight changes in Violette and worried about her without prying her with any questions. His hand on her back was a support to her, like he was encouraging her walking pace that was about to stop.
Being by Yulan’s side like this was comfortable. He always welcomed her softly, but she didn’t recompense him with anything.
Her father’s words that told her that she was not alone sprouted within her a feeling that she should’ve crammed into another place.
He told him that she was not alone. But in fact, she was really not alone. Because there was Marin in that house and Yulan outside, she could say and think that she was not alone.
Then, what if Yulan was gone?
If Yulan left her…
Just by imagining that, her body temperature dropped. Her fingertips turned cold.
He was affectionate like her little brother, an important person who was closer to her than her family. Even if he was still clinging to her right now, such a sociable Yulan would definitely have a loveable lover soon.
She wished for such a future to come. It would surely be nice to watch Yulan’s happiness as her sister from their childhood who seemed close yet distant. It was the dream of Violette who was sure that she wouldn’t be able to get happiness beyond peace.
But even if that didn’t happen, if Yulan had gone so far away that she couldn’t see his shadow and shape anymore, would she herself become scattered one day in that house?
Violette stopped, disobeying the hand that supported her to walk forward, and called Yulan’s name more in a confused voice than anxious.
Before Yulan could ask what, she released herself from that hand and stood in front of him. Violette could only see the collar of his uniform when she looked straight ahead. As she lifted her gaze up a little, those beautiful golden eyes widened, and he was petrified.
“I… want to return your kindness. I want to recompense you.”
“I keep receiving a lot of things from you. I have been saved all the time, so──”
If he kept sacrificing himself to her, she would only wear him down, and if she kept receiving from him, she would rest on his laurels. Violette didn’t want to take Yulan’s kindness for granted, but considering how she contented herself with everything he had done for her, those words were not convincing at all.
There was always gain and loss in human relationships. No matter what kind of beautiful romance novel or free family love, they lost and gain things without realizing it. It was only if it didn’t affect the relationship that it might be some kind of affection.
And because Yulan was an important person to her, the current situation where she was the one who kept receiving couldn’t be forgiven. Yulan definitely didn’t think that he was losing anything, but it was the truth that she hadn’t been giving anything to him.
This relationship would definitely not be broken by calculating profit and loss. Violette believed that their relationship was not such a heartless one.
But then, she felt that there was nothing wrong with just accepting it and rest on his laurels. Wasn’t that a very ungrateful act?
Because Yulan was Violette’s important person who gave her important feelings, she wanted to return something, just like him.
“Tell me. What can I do for Yulan…?”